The WWE Survivor Series lands on November 19th. AFJ thought it was prime time to bring the smack down on the plethora of wrestling action figures out there. By smackdown, we are of course talking about the worst wrestling figures ever made. We tapped our good friend Gordon Holmes, a man who possesses a vast wealth of wrestling knowledge both in and out of the ring, to bring us our list. #AFJ4LIFE
Written by Gordon Holmes
WCW Vibrating Hulk Hogan: A lot of action features make sense when it comes to wrestling figures. Pull Mr. Perfect’s arm back to release a mighty punch. Press down on the Ultimate Warrior to make him leap in the air. But, push a button on Hulk Hogan to make him vibrate? That’s weird. And with his sex tape history? No thanks, brother.
WWF Maximum Sweat - Road Dogg: A JAKKS Pacific Office: Circa 1999: A group of designers are surrounded by crumpled piles of paper as they try to come up with the next big thing. Finally, one of them stands up and shouts, “I’ve got it! What if the action figure could actually sweat!” Sure enough, this one made it out of the boardroom and into the homes of disappointed children everywhere. And why was Road Dogg the worst of the worst? The man famously wore a jersey and pajama bottoms to hide his physique looks absolutely JAKKed…er…jacked.
WWE Mutants - John Cena: This bizarre line that merged the WWE Superstars with different beasts Goldblum style was pretty hit or miss. It made perfect sense to combine Finn Balor with his Demon persona. It makes less sense to pair John Cena with….uh…a steel beam? That, and it came off as really lazy. Bray Wyatt grows a tail, Brock Lesnar sprouts two extra arms and the former Doctor of Thuganomics gets a silver paint job?
WCW Ring Masters - Chris Jericho: The Ring Masters line took the stars of WCW and reimagined them in costumes that fit their nicknames. Bret “The Hitman” Hart was a gangster, Goldberg was dressed like a construction worker to tie into his Jackhammer finishing move, and “Lionheart” Chris Jericho dressed like a lion tamer. What made this extra disappointing was there wasn’t a traditional Chris Jericho figure at the time of the release. Just the one that came with the goofy whip and the kitty cat.
WWF Shotgun Saturday Night - Sable: Just uh…just look at this posture on this thing. That’s gotta be bad for her back.WWF Deluxe Classic – Roddy Piper: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper squared off against African American street fighter Bad News Brown at Wrestlemania VI. For some reason, the star of “They Live” thought it would be a good idea to paint half of his face and body black. And…awkwardness ensued. Why Jakks decided this look should be recreated in plastic is a mystery.
WCW Slam Force - Kevin Nash: It’s kind of weird that between WCW’s Slam Force or WWF’s S.T.O.M.P. line, wrestlers were always getting military upgrades. You don’t see Matt Trakker and Flint getting dressed up in wrestling singlets. At any rate, they were all weird and bad. Why does Headbanger Mosh need scuba gear? But in this case I’m singling out Kevin Nash because the force of his “Power Bomb Cannon” would surely turn both of his quads to dust.
WWF Hasbro - Hulk Hogan: Following up LJN’s popular “hunk of rubber” figures, the Hasbro line was definitely a step in a different direction. Each highly-detailed (for the time) toy had its own action feature. Now, some of them had cool names like Bret Hart’s Hart Attack or Jimmy Snuka’s Superfly Slam. Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan had the “Hulkster Hug.” And with his sex tape history? Wait, I already made that joke? Let’s move on…
WCW Vader Hero Head: What…uh…what are kids supposed to do with a wrestler’s head? Headlocks, DDTs, sleeperholds…all of these moves require a neck and shoulders. Of the three, I’m picking Vader as the worst, seeing as out of context, his mask looks like some kind of “Pulp Fiction” gimp-esque attire.
WWE Nitro Machines – Dean Ambrose: Hey, kids love wrestling…kids love cars. Much like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, it’s two great tastes that taste great together. But, why are the scales so wonky? It looks like they’re competing in a Mario Kart race. Also, Dean Ambrose gets the nod here because his kart wouldn’t even be functional since he removed the steering wheel. Unless he brought a second steering wheel to swing at people. This is a lot to process.
Gordon Holmes is the Managing Producer of Blah Blah Blah at a big company. He always appreciates the opportunity to write about something that isn’t “Survivor.” You can find all of his “Survivor” Blah Blah Blah on Twitter using @gordonholmes.