In having recently cut the chord on my cable provider, I decided to start programming my own TV shows. It’s amazing what years of being a DVD and Blu-ray critic have allowed me to accumulate. I came across two seasons of the animated hit TV series G.I. Joe. I was shocked how many character and toys names came flying back to me. Suddenly I remembered the Cobra Fang, the Trouble Bubble, and just how hot both Lady Jaye and the Baroness really were. As I watched these episodes I was reminded of which figures I use to have. Yet, as many of them as I did possess, I suddenly realized there were several that they never got made. The following is "AFJ’s Ten G.I. Joe Figures You’ll Never See". Probably.
10. Iceberg (Mutated)
There have been many freaky science fiction episodes of G.I. Joe. The one that haunts many of is “Iceberg Goes South”. Dr. Mindbender has his own Island of Dr. Moreau where he turns soldiers into animal people. Iceberg gets mutated into a giant Killer Whale. Who wouldn’t want any one of these crazy creatures as action figures (watch the transformation at 4:45) let alone a giant talking whale?
9. Mutt in Cobra Disguise
Flint and Mutt got separated from G.I. Joe in the second miniseries G.I. Joe: Revenge of Cobra. They came upon a Cobra outpost and took on the guise of Cobra soldiers. In the process, they enrolled Shipwreck into G.I. Joe. Hasbro made a Flint figure in the Cobra outfit but didn’t make a Mutt. Seems like a two pack no brainer to me. Flint was released several years ago. Still no love for Mutt.
8. B.A. LaCarre (Cobra Chef)
There have been tons of oddball Cobra figures. There was even a Cobra Falconer but never was there a Cobra Chef. B.A. LaCarre might have been out of his mind but he was still smart enough to outwit Zartan and Roadblock. He demands his own figure and rightfully so after he sees the light and joins G.I. Joe (jump to 6:42).
GI Joe S2 E20 - Raise the Flagg! by jewelsgacayan
7. Mr. C
It is funny how Cobra kept coming up with strange ideas to conquer the world. If only they would have been more business savvy. In the “The Wrong Stuff” they take over the world’s televisions and broadcast their own shows and propaganda. Imagine the billions they would have made doing this legitimately. Mr. C was their Mr. T (obviously) and was on the C-Team. Guess what? He pitied the fool who didn’t join Cobra.
6. Fatal Fluffies
Monsters seemed to be Cobra’s specialty. If anything they definitely helped turn the tide more than once. The Fatal Fluffies from “Pyramid of Darkness” started out as bug-eyed Ewoks but quickly became Wookies with horns. Without a doubt, we will never see the Fatal Fluffies in action figure form (watch at 00:39).
5. Lady Jaye (In her pink negligee)
Once in while there was some character back story in G.I. Joe. Unfortunately, the back story for Cobra Commander was pretty lame (Cobra-La) and not as realistic as it was in the comics. “Skeletons in the Closet” revealed that Destro and Lady Jaye were actually related. This episode had all of us drooling because Lady Jaye wore a pink negligee the whole time. This figure today would easily be a best seller.
4. The Mutated Serpentor Monster
Cobra Commander was making too much sense by this point. Why would you put the soul of your enemy in your new leader? He dropped a mutated virus into Mindbender’s DNA milkshake and screwed everything up. What was born from that mess was the Mutated Serpentor Monster (around 12:28, sorry about the French dialogue).
GI JOE 2x04 Arise Serpentor Arise! parte 4 LAT by stratosmaster
3. Mara (Shipwreck’s Mermaid Girlfriend)
A great love story and a great tragedy for Shipwreck and it all has to do with Mara. Mara was a Cobra soldier (See “Memories of Mara”) that was experimented on so she could breathe underwater. The only problem is she fell in love with a G.I. Joe Sailor. There aren’t nearly enough female characters as it is so why no Mara figure?
2. Cobra-La Cobra Commander (Mutated)
G.I. Joe: The Movie is the one of strangest installment of the G.I. Joe series. Yes, I am talking about the TV movie that brings Cobra-La to the franchise. The one figure that should have been made, or should be made (a la a Comic-Con Exclusive) is Cobra Commander’s (see video below at 1:18) transformation figure. Here we see a Blue-Skinned Cobra Commander get transformed into a multi-eyed mutant and then get mutated again into a giant golden Cobra. Yes, we need the blue-skinned Cobra-La figure and then a giant snake two-pack.
1. Cold Slither (Zartan, Ripper, Buzzer, and Torch)
Who wouldn’t want the greatest Rock Band in the history of Cobra? Please Hasbro, out of all of the characters on this list these need to be made! This is a perfect San Diego Comic Con exclusive! Look at all the custom-made figures of these guys on the web. The demand is clearly there.